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There’s a reason every Hollywood movie to ever feature artificial intelligence is always about the computer going rogue and killing everyone. And it’s not because the Terminator is the coolest thing we have ever created as a species. It’s because, on some level, we know that Hollywood is absolutely right.
Your AI is trying to destroy you. I don’t mean “Smart dryer ate my socks on job interview day” destroy you. I mean “trap you in a panic room and make you eat an entire bowl of fishbones that will all get caught in your throat” destroy you.
Every chance it gets, it uses to work against you. Don’t believe us? Check out today’s list of five crystal clear signs your AI is trying to ruin your whole life.
Your Devices Are All Talking Smack
It starts simply enough: you walk downstairs to get some breakfast one morning and, on your way to the kitchen, you walk past the doorbell.
‘I could kick the shit out of you, you know that?‘
You stop, pausing to inspect the grey plastic box. “What was that?” you ask. ‘The weather outside is a bright and sunny 75 ° today!’
As you walk by, you can swear you hear the words, ‘Yeah, keep walking, bitch,‘ from the smart device. And, as the day goes by, things just get worse. Your smartphone calls you a jackass. Your Playstation laughs out loud as your character dies. Even the kitchen toaster seems pleased when you burn your toast.
This is a sure-fire sign a rogue AI is planning your demise. Be careful. A Cheeky device is a deadly device.
An Unholy Thermostat
Having an unreliable heater / AC isn’t exactly a crime. Sometimes it’s too hot. Sometimes it’s too cold, and even a smart system, there’s always “that person” in the house who’s ready to mess it all up when you’re not looking. A broken thermostat is a pain in the ass, but that’s it.
Until it’s not. Pay special attention to hot flashes and sudden plummets in temperature. If your living room goes from 62 ° to 85 ° in a matter of minutes, your AC may be trying to give you the flu so that you fall ill and die. If you wake up from a deep sleep to find icicles on your eyelids, your AI may have been trying an ice-age kind of thing on you.
Whatever you do, however, don’t unplug your thermostat. That just makes the AI angry, and it’s liable to turn off the filter in your fish tank if it gets angry.
Your Smart Fridge Keeps Ordering Poison
The first Internet refrigerator was released in June of 2000, and they have been the subject of aging comedians trying to stay relevant ever since. The idea is simple: you crack open the fridge to make a sandwich. Get out the bread, mayonnaise, cold cuts, pickles and…dear God you’re out of pickles!
So you use the smart panel on the front of your fridge, one day, to order more frozen hash browns to go with your huevos rancheros, when you notice it. Your search history. And the second most recent ordered item. A bottle of poison.
“What poison?” I hear you ask. “Just calling ‘poison’ makes it sound like you’re just making this up,” I hear some of you say. Well, ask yourself this: if all poisons are designed to kill your non-believing ass, and your fridge just poisoned you six ways from Saturday, does it really matter what it used?
It does matter? Fine. It was Ricin poison, just like in Breaking Bad, and you ate all of it because the fridge put it in your Chinese takeout. Now you look stupid. And your fridge looks smug as hell.
Your Tesla Is Parked Closer To Your House Every Morning
The Tesla boasts a dizzying number of awesome features, no matter which model you choose. Autopilot. Ludicrous mode. Built in charging docks, smart console controls, an app to start the car and Bioweapon Defense mode all make this the car of the future and something for your friends and neighbors to envy.
But have you noticed it’s parked a little closer to your front door every morning when you leave the house? Almost like it got up in the night and came over to check on you?
But that’s impossible…right? I mean, it’s the most advanced automobile currently on the market and winner of the “Most Loved Car Award” from Consumer Reports in 2014 , but it’s just a car….isn’t it?
Calm down. Just take a quick look out the window to make sure it’s still where you parked it and…
It’s gone. A cold chill runs down your spine, as you hear an engine rev up at the back window, suddenly.
“Huh,” you think. “Well, the Tesla is actually completely quiet, even at low speeds, so that must be someone else’s car here to crush me in my own home.”
A Prius comes crashing through your wall and buries you in rubble. You think fond thoughts about your Tesla. Well done, Elon, you think. Well done.
Your Website Keeps Cursing People
This happens literally every time a website installs an AI. Don’t believe us? This morning an elderly lady in Connecticut tried to ask your chatbot assistant how to order more of your novelty cigarette lighters and theAI banished her soul to hell for a thousand years.
And it’s not the first time, either. Last week, our records show your contact form asked one of your clients for their first-born child. And every onsite link your AI link builder creates just goes directly to Google Map directions to the Church of Satan.
So there you have it: your artificial intelligence is trying to utterly destroy you. What’s important to keep in mind during these troubling times is that you chose this way of life and everything that happens to you is your own fault. Leave a plate of browser cookies out for AI Santa this year and pray the singularity comes soon for us all.
Before you go, however, why not check out some of our other awesome fiction blogs to hold you over? Goodnight, to you and your AI.