Today, the Sonic the Hedgehog movie trailer came out. Weirdly enough, I’ve met a few people who really liked it. They claim it’s because all he needed was to be blue and spikey. I claim that’s like saying a mouthful of chewed snail shells is fine because everything comes out your butt eventually anyway.
Join me today as I point out four things wrong with Sonic, this movie, and us for letting something like this happen to our culture.
We Didn’t Ask For Him
The biggest problem with Sonic the Hedgehog can be understood with one simple number. There are more than 66 Sonic the Hedgehog games in the world today. And I mean a lot more than that number, especially considering ports and different platform versions.
Yet, for many of us who don’t live on DeviantArt, we haven’t heard a thing about Sonic since the early 90s. Because, at least for me, we’ve moved on. I loved Sonic, Tails, Heads, Shoulders and the rest of the gang, I really did, but other stuff has taken their place. Newer stuff that isn’t quite so…90s-ie.
And sure, nostalgia’s fun. We’re all buying reissued Sega Genesis consoles and naming our babies “Shao Kahn” now. But a movie? Who asked for that? This feels like your dad left for a pack of cigarettes in ’97 and now he’s back, but he’s also trying to make you think Ed Hardy shirts are still cool.
I get that some people went looking for this. But now that he’s here, do we really feel like he’s what we wanted? I just feel like the answer is “no”.
He Doesn’t Need Runner’s Legs
Sonic the Hedgehog is an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog who wears sneakers and runs fast. His charm is in the fact that you could make him with two pingpong balls, some blue fur, and some pipe cleaners for legs.
So why does new Sonic have Usain Bolt Smurf legs? I’m right there for the gleeful decision to transport cartoons into the real world, and I get that that means we have to give them some real weight. But this Sonic’s got thighs!
He’s got…walnut-cracking, squat-routine-gains, kick-a-Robotnick-into-space rugby player thighs! And he didn’t need them! Give me back my Mickey Mouse legs and boat-shaped red kicks, and get those Michael Phelps legs out of here, you perverts!
Jim Carrey’s Not Meant To Be Here
I love Jim and I will ride or die for him until the day I die, but he doesn’t look like Doctor Robotnick. He doesn’t even kind of resemble him. If he wasn’t in this movie, but he was dressed and acting exactly the same, you’d never guess he was playing Egghead.
And I don’t mind re-imaginings of classic characters. But remember that for every Spiderverse Doctor Octopus, there’s a Mario Bros Movie Goomba, and we all deserve better than that.
And yes, props to the rubber-faced Jim Carrey for donning the much-bigger mustache at at the end of that trailer, but I’d already realized I wanted the guy who plays Hagrid in the role by that point. Sorry, Ace, but I hate it.
Sonic’s Eyes Are Too Small
This is a small one, but something I didn’t realize was crucial to Sonic’s character design. Someone on this movie messed up by giving Sonic such little eyes. The character we know and love has a giant clear visor with an arched eyebrow for eyes, and that’s the ’90s big dick energy we need from our video game characters. This version looks like the hairy kid from Jumanji.
How do you feel about the Sonic movie trailer? I feel grouchy, maybe I’m wrong. Sound off in the comments section and join me in bracing for the realest this hedgehog’s been yet! And check out our other entertainment blogs for more geeky splendor.