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We’ve all been there: your birthday was three weeks ago, and you’ve used your time machine to prank Julius Caesar so many times already. The novelty’s worn off a little and, truth be told, the machine’s started to gather dust, right next to your bow flex and that crock cooker you told mom you’d use every week.
Join us today, as we bring you five great tips for keeping your time machine clean, and at least pretend like you’re taking care of that thing.
#1. Avoid The Flux Capacitor
Cleaning your time machine properly between uses is incredibly important to maintaining its operational integrity. One misplaced speck of dust in the wrong place and you could end up sending yourself back in time to the preprehistoric age. And believe us, that’s less fun than it sounds.
Now, that being said, if you attempt to clean your flux capacitor in any way, shape or form, you won’t just die. You’ll completely erase yourself from history forever. Everyone who ever knew you will forget you, except for your name, which they will associate with the smell of farts without knowing why.
Also, your pets will become racist and Adam Sandler will go on making movies forever. Don’t clean your flux capacitor. We don’t even really know what it does, but it will mess up your whole life.
#2. Never Send Dirty Dishes Back In Time
Of course, while cleaning your time machine, you may stumble upon some opportunities to clean the rest of your house more efficiently. One of the classics is putting your dirty dishes in one side of the machine, setting a time, and teleporting your filth through time so you don’t have to deal with it.
Maybe you set the machine to 1943, Hitler’s house, jam it full of unwashed dinner plates, and get cleaner than you ever thought you could. Maybe, instead, you choose 1969, inside the Apollo 11 capsule before launch and you say goodbye to some gunky soup bowls forever.
This is a bad idea. Time travel is an inexact science and you could end up sending your dirty kitchenware anywhere. What if you miscalculate your tachyon to plutonium levels and send a tumbler half full of Pepsi to the stone ages? Humanity might discover soda thousands of years before it’s supposed to.
Just do your dishes, you gross mole person.
#3. Use Static-Free Cotton Wipes
Available at any computer store, these handy dandy wipes will remove dirt and particles from any surface without creating a charge during the wipe. This is especially useful when you’re trying to wipe up the late-23rd-century Pepsi Max you spilled on reentry without blowing up your thermal reactor with an unlucky spark.
#4. Use A Static-Free Fabric of Space and Time
If you’re going to break the fabric of space time during your travels, be considerate. You want a good, non-static fabric to keep things nice and safe for you and everyone else. Also, remember to measure twice before you cut.
#5. Choosing A Great Cleaning Soundtrack
Cleaning can be a chore, especially without the right soundtrack. The following is our official selection of the best songs to shake your time traveling tail feathers to:
- Scissor Sisters – I Don’t Feel Like Dancing
- Snoop Dogg and Lil Kim – Do You Wanna Roll?
- Missy Elliot – Work It
- Childish Gambino – 3005
- The Moana Soundtrack – How Far I’ll Go
And there you have it – five expert tips for keeping the cobwebs off of your new time machine. Whether you’re using it to throw apples at Isaac Newton or raid the Library of Alexandria, this is a wonderful addition to any home, and is deserving of a little love and affection.